BABYSITTING IS A RITE of passage for Irish teenagers, and it never gets any easier.
1. First of all, you were always called to babysit on the nights when everyone else was going out
Like, of course.
2. “There are crisps and things in the press” are the sweetest words you could possibly hear
Actual footage of you as a babysitter:
3. Also “Do you know how to work the Sky remote?”
THEY HAVE SKY (or the Channels, or a great selection of videos, etc etc). HOLD THE FECKING PHONE.
4. Then the door closed, the crying began, and your idea of a peaceful evening ended
Why do you like your parents so much, child? They’re not even cool.
5. But you ended up having more fun than the kids were having
Colouring! Being stronger and bigger and therefore better at football! Disney films! Sure isn’t it a great life?
6. You have experienced the awkwardness of a toddlers’ lack of filter first hand
“YOU HAVE BOOBIES.”
“Yes. That is correct. Now look you haven’t finished your-”
“BOOOOOOOOOOOBIES.”
7. And been summoned to bathrooms for bottom-wiping duties
The last thing any 15-year-old wants to do.
8. AND dealt with non-stop, inexplicable crying
Is my mere presence a trauma that will follow this child into adulthood? Is that what’s going on here?
9. You quickly learned which kids were out to get you
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No, your mam did not say you could do that, you conniving little so and so.
10. And which kids were little sweethearts
The ones that loved you for no particular reason and made you feel like a golden god. Those ones.
11. But they were all terrors when it came to bedtime
12. There was no greater relief at seeing the parents’ car pull up to the house
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Parent: How were they?
You: Ah you know, grand!*
*Absolute soul-sucking demons who did not go to sleep until ten minutes ago and kept talking about certain parts of my anatomy. Ah you know, grand!
13. But it was all worth it for those crisp euro notes in your hand
Aww yiss. Now hide it quickly and don’t tell your mother, lest she look at you in horror and say you were given “too much”.
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